This week a woman contacted me in great distress about her relationship with her second husband. When I asked her to sum up her complaint about her husband in one sentence, she chose: "He is controlling". She had all kinds of data to confirm in her mind that this statement was absolutely true.
What occurs to me when I hear a woman call a man controlling is that she has the belief that she can be controlled. This fascinates me. Whenever somebody thinks that a person is doing something to them, they are giving their power away. When our minds think that way about anyone other than ourselves, we get to be the one who is attacked by their actions, and we do not have to be responsible for ours.
In this situation, she was believing that it was his fault that she does not sing anymore. He wanted her to stop singing in bars, which was something she loved before they fell in love and got married. She then stopped singing in bars which then ended her singing for good. Then she started being angry that she stopped living her passion. She chose to end her singing because he didnt like when she sang in bars, and yet she noticed that he kept doing what he liked even if it upset her.
Why is this scenario the case for so many women? Because women hold beliefs around what they need to do in order to keep their men happy and keep them around. Womens actions revolve around those thoughts and then they are not happy while they make their man happy. Anger and resentment set in and females then BLAME the gentlemen, as if the men had something to do with it! (Men, you must examine to see if it is the same beliefs you have about women!).
To reveal her thoughts and let her go from their bad consequences, we worked together on a number of levels: First, we looked at her relationships with gentlemen in general and any thoughts she had towards men that would make her think they are controlling. Second, we found the way she sees herself as a victim and how it served her in the past and how it limited her relationship now. Then, we thought about the way her life would be if she didnt call men controlling. Lastly, we saw how she showed up in the exact ways she blamed about her husband and gentlemen in general. As she realized how controlling she was in the way she thought about how she thought he should do things to please her, the laughing started. Once we get what we are really doing, it is difficult not to laugh!
It was success when she realized that it was HER that was actually making the relationship hard. When she focused on her husband and what he was doing wrong, the relationship was without hope and she was ready to get out of the relationship while she could and move on. When she focused instead on how she was driving him away with her resentment and anger, she got to look at a number of different options available to her, should she choose to be different. She went from without hope and power, to full of hope and power.
What a thrill to be with somebody when they dig deeply, and find many kinds of empowering opportunities they have!
About the Author:
Emily Bouchard, MSSW, offers a free online newsletter to assist blended families. Webmasters! Get a statistically-unique copy of this article at http://blended-families.com/cs/spin/?f=family_controllingspouse.php
Mon, 17 Dec 2007 12:21:23 - 100%
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